It all started a little over four years ago. I joined a message board about a musical artist I liked at the time. I didn't realize I was joining into a community of people who knew each other so well already (many had already met and were truly friends outside of the internet). The same group of people went to the board almost daily. It truly was a unique board. Funnily, most of the topics had nothing to do with the musical artist we were all there for. Anyway, I started posting and started chatting with people. I'm not sure what made me message MK. Maybe it was because I saw her in a post where a couple of members of the board who were gay came out to everyone else. I didn't know I was a lesbian at the time so it didn't make sense that I would message her based on that... but that's what makes the most sense now. We hit it off instantly. I didn't know what it was.. but I knew that I could talk to her about anything and everything. We grew close through 'private messages' in this board and we began texting. Nonstop. We didn't talk on the phone or anything like that .. but we were always in constant communication. Looking back, I have no idea what we texted about. I just know that 6,000 texts a month is a lot.. and we always had something to say. Eventually, we knew we had feelings for each other. I considered her my girlfriend, in most all ways. I'd never met her and we only talked on the phone once, briefly. After about a year, I couldn't handle it anymore... it had nothing to do with our relationship, that was perfect. But I was too scared to meet her and I wanted to experience things in my life. I lived in Minnesota; she lived in Michigan. She would have met me in a heartbeat but I was more scared (for more reasons that I will delve into). I decided to do the only thing I knew how to do at the time... stop talking to her. Basically, I turned into the biggest jerk in the entire world and for almost no reason at all, told her I couldn't do it anymore and stopped talking to her. We went from talking almost every second of the day to me not responding to anything. Harsh.
I feel horribly about it. I don't like to think about it. I don't like to write about it. I hate it. This was in March of '07. Eventually, she texted me less and less.. and we had all but stopped communicating. Jump to the end September '07 .. I had just started dating this girl when suddenly MK and I started talking again. Through text at first. Something was different this time (for reasons I will, again, not mention) ... and I was willing to talk to her on the phone. She knew I was dating someone else so we just talked. I guess I didn't know what was going on. My girlfriend at the time lived 6 hours from me.. and when I drove to her, I would spend most of the car ride talking on the phone to MK. That girlfriend ended breaking things off with me at the beginning of January ('08).. and I took it hard. Looking back, I'm not sure why I took it as hard as I did. We had not been dating that long and I had obviously (though it was not obvious to me at the time) had feelings for MK. Still, MK was there for me through my low point after that relationship had ended. She was there for me the whole time.. even though it was probably killing her because she had feelings for me and here I was, grieving someone else.
Eventually, as the month went on and I got over that failed relationship, MK started talking about possibly meeting. We didn't know exactly 'what' we were.. and I wasn't willing to 'date' someone I had not met. This was mostly because I feared (very intensely) that she would meet me and say, 'oh nevermind. I'm not attracted to you.. I dont love you'. This fear is why I didn't want to meet for the longest time. In February, I finally told her that I was willing to meet her. She booked a flight for 11 days later. The longest 11 days of my life.
Feb 15th '08 - I'm at the airport with my best friend at the time waiting to pick MK up. Seeing her, in the flesh, walking out of that airport terminal was the most surreal moment of my life. Can you imagine? Being so ingrained with someone for two years and finally seeing them face to face? This woman knew everything there was to possibly know about how I feel and think.. and we were finally meeting. Top that with the anxiety of "what if she doesn't like me" ... and I was a wreck. I will never forget that moment for my whole life. I will never forget that first smile or that first hug. I won't forget the moment in the car, minutes after we met while on our way to the hotel, that she reached for my hand.
We just recently celebrated our 2 year anniversary. I love her more than I thought was humanly possible. She is my world.
